I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
