did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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