And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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