So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
