I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
