and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
