there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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