Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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