Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
