Soap is not a condiment
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
