I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
