remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
