Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
