At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
