If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
