i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
