Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
