If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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