we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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