The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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