Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
