I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
