I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
