I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
