ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
