On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
