And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
