Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
