you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
