i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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