Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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