Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
