youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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