I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
