Jerry, you need to find god
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
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