so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
