My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
