i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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