First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You are the jesus of drinking
How does one acquire holy water?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
