I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
