Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
