at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
