are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
