Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
