meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
