i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
