It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
