just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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