I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
