I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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