I wish life had little blips of pornography
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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