Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She told me I should be a condom model.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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