I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
