I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
