Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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